Resolutions For 2011

Hey, how you doin'?
Its late December and Uncle Donnie's thinking maybe a few resolutions for the new
year are appropriate. Not that I need to change anything, you unnastand? 'Cause things being what they are, it would be difficult to improve upon perfection, capisci mi?
I think they call it growth. Yeah, that's it, growth. Uncle D. just needs a coupla
growth resolutions to give him more direction next year.

First thing.....resolve to take more trips to the liquor store.
Second thing....resolve to make my friends laugh more.
Third thing.....resolve to take my laughing friends with me on my trips to the
liquor store.
Fourth thing....resolve to remember that the best things in life aren't things.
Fifth thing.....resolve to buy a liquor store.
Sixth thing.....resolve to win the lottery, so's I can buy the liquor store.
That's probably enough for next year.

To all my people in Florida and in Montana and in Tennessee, whether you are still
in prison or not....
Uncle Donnie sends his love....Yeah, with my Trophy Wife Betty,
and my editor Buggles (Read: Editor X. Lovegood)....Have a happy and safe New Year!

A dopo,
Uncle D

Christmas Day

Grace to you and peace,from Him who is and who was and who is to come; and from
the seven Spirits who are before His throne; and from Jesus Christ, the faithful
witness, the first born of the dead, and the ruler of the kings of the earth. To Him
who loves us, and released us from our sins by His blood, and He has made us to be a
kingdom, priests to His God and Father; to Him be the glory and the dominion forever
and ever. Amen
Holy, Holy, Holy, is the Lord God,the Almighty, who was and who is and who is to come. Worthy art Thou, our Lord and our God, to receive glory and honor and power;
for Thou didst create all things, and because of Thy will they existed, and were
created.
Worthy art Thou to take the book, and to break its seals;for Thou wast slain, and didst purchase for God with Thy blood men from every tribe and tongue and people
and nation. And Thou hast made them to be a kingdom and priests to our God; and
they will reign upon the earth.
Worthy is the Lamb that was slain to receive power and riches and wisdom and might
and honor and glory and blessing. To Him who sits upon the throne, and to the Lamb,
be blessing and honor and glory and dominion forever and ever.
Hallelujah! Salvation and glory and power belong to our God; because His judgements
are true and righteous. Give praise to our God, all you His bondservants, you who
fear Him, small and great.
He who testifies to these things says, Yes, I am coming quickly. Amen. Come, Lord
Jesus come.
The grace of the Lord Jesus be with all. Amen.

Merry Christmas Indeed,
Uncle Donnie

Where does this stuff come from

So Uncle D. thinks he needs to branch out a little more, you know, become more
diverse. This economy being what it is, and revenue sources drying up, who knows?
Maybe it's time to start thinking about alternative schemes, I mean scams, I mean
new opportunities, you unnastand my meaning? Good! I thought you'd see it my way.
Sinatra was right, "I did it my way..."
Anyways, I'm thinkin' marketing is the answer.
Whattya marketing,Don? You might ask. Me! D. Uncle Donnie's name on tons of swag
(read: products),name familiarity, that's what I want, you know what I mean? A guy
goes into the drug store, say he might be havin' a little digestive problem, which
leads to another problem, and so he goes to get some UNCLE DONNIE'S HEMORRHOIDAL CREAM. Or maybe he needs some UNCLE DONNIE'S LAXATIVES or UNCLE DONNIE'S SUPPOSITORIES. Which might say on the package, "Hey, don't be a pain in the ass, take this stuff,it works..."
You know, just brainstormin' here, just tinkin' out loud. Howsabout this...
UNCLE DONNIE'S MAFIAPOLY, the new board game right?? Having fun with extortion,
women, and gamblin'...and if you'se pass GAS you collect 2 C-notes! If you accumulate
properties(in somebody else's name of course) you first put up a social club, instead
of a house, and then after that you put up casinos, and then your on your way, capisci?....The board would have to be five-sided though, to show some respect to
the five families, and you'd have to kick up some cash to the heads of the five,
just so you'se can keep playin....you'se unnastand?
I only have time for one more genius idea. Here goes, and its a beaut.....AN UNCLE
DONNIE CHIA PET! That's right, I mean you know you've arrived when they start makin' you into one of those, right? It's like...what's behind curtain number three Don Pardo??.... A brand new UNCLE DONNIE CHIA PET...just add Prosecco and a little anissette, and watch UNCLE DONNIE grow!
It's a beautful thing, right?
Sometimes, I surprise myself!

D.

Uncle D. recommends these next five movies:

Blood Feud....Hoffa and Kennedy
Perdition....Tom Hanks
Hoffa.....Jack Nicholson
The Sicilian...based on a Mario Puzo novel
Gotti...Armand Assante and Anthony Quinn

The Good Old Days

So Uncle D. is drving down the interstate and as I'm pulling onto the exit towards
home, I see this bumper sticker: "MY FACE LOOKS THE SAME, BUT I CAN'T REMEMBER
THE NAME." I laughed and thought, sheesh sounds like me... It's like the only thing
I can't remember is how forgetful I am....
And like, you know how "they" (whomever "they" are) say that the "forties" are the new "thirties"? Fuhgettaboudit! It seems to Uncle D. that the "fifties" are the OLD "fifties." You get my meaning? I think they call it selective memory, or defective memory,or part-time memory loss, or full time memory loss, whatever! I forget, anyways..... What was I saying? Oh yeah, Its like the old guy said, "Son, I've forgotten more about memory loss than you"ll ever know." And the kid's thinking, "I don't want to hear anymore geriatric jibberish about 'Back in the day', or 'when I was your age', or 'It used to be', or 'I can remember a day'! Just give me my inheritance and off I'll waddle!"
The old man will just smile and say..."do I know you?"

Ciao, Uncle D.
P.s. Maybe I should get some of that milk of amnesia. It could be that it might help.
You unnastand, I might have to mix it with a little Jack Daniels, just to be safe.

Who Is John Tesh?????

So who is this John Tesh guy anyways?
I figger, he must be some genius or somethin', right? I mean is there anything this guy doesn't know? Every time Uncle Donnie hears this guy on the radio, he's a veritable treasure trunk(read:trove) of information. Everything from how to get pin numbers off users at the ATM machines, to how good it is to eat a bunch of eggs for your health, you know what I mean? He coulda been very useful at my last RICO trial capisci mi?
And if that weren't enough, the guy's got great hair! How do ya get hair like that? To Uncle D. these things are a mystery....It might be a mystery to you how I know what John Tesh's hair looks like, but we ain't gonna go into that right now.

Speaking of mysteries, D. has been reading another book recently, entitled "The
Mystery of Providence," written by a dead guy named John Flavel(remember, dead guys
don't lie.)
He takes the reader from Psalm 139 all the way to the final reward,you know
what that means? It means dirt nap time, pushin' daisy time, six feet under time, etc.
It's like appointed once for man to die and then comes..........you guessed it,
judgement time! It's been a good read, you'se should pick it up. I'm pretty sure
Jesus would have you read it, no kidding! I know these tings!
Oh yeah, so today at church I heard a goood sermon from a guy who I thought sounded
a lot like Joe Pesci! Can you believe it? fuggetaboudit. Turns out the guy wasn't
even Italian.... but his words were very appropriate and God honoring.
Did anybody have prosciutto on Thanksgiving Day? Uncle D. did thanks to Don Sparky's
lovely wife...It wassa so good.
Arrivederci!
D.

Happy giving of thanks day

Greetings, Earth dwellers!
Here's to hoping you enjoy your annual "Giving of Thanks" day young and old alike,
sharing and caring and daring to enjoy your lives. Give Jesus His due and enjoy
Him too,and laugh until your sides ache. Earth mothers don't let your earth babies
grow up to be cowboys. Don't let them ride horses and drive them old trucks. Let
them be doctors and lawyers and such....Thanks be to you, Willie Nelson. Friends, Romans,Countrymen, lend me your ear; T'was Cicero who said, "A home without books is a body without soul", t'was J.Caesar who said, "I came, I saw, I conquered", and I believe it was Steve Huffman who said, "I'm going to get in that house and live in it." Culture is so cultural, wouldn't you agree?... And the Wichita Lineman is still on the line.....
Earth dwellers, tell your special earth dwellers that you are fond of them. Reach out
and touch somebody's hand..... Get back to where you once belonged.... Patches, Im
depending on you son, I tried to do my best, it's up to you to do the rest.....
Earth dwellers, be happy and sing.....I just want to celebrate another day of living... Don't worry that it's not good enough for anyone else to hear, just sing, sing a song.
And this year do not forget the annual ugly bug ball!
Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got there I'll never know!
And may all your Christmases be white.
Lily, your Grandma and grandpa love you!

Ciao,
Uncle Donnie

People Get Ready, There's a Train A Comin'

Uncle Donnie's favorite Johnny Mathis tune goes like this:

I look at you, and I say to myself
What more could I want, if I had you?
But, I wouldn't dare to sing it out loud,
I'd stand and I'd stare, my head in a cloud.
I look at you, and I say to my heart,
What chance would I have, why let the fire start?
I long to know the thrill of your sweet embrace,
yet, when we're face to face, I just look at you....

Takes me back every time, you know what I mean?
My trophy wife Betty loves Mathis, and so do my daughters, as if they really
had a say in the matter. They all grew up listening to Mathis and Marvin Gaye,
Sam Cooke and Nat King Cole, and not to forget Aretha...and Whitney.... Etta James....Ella F....and the Pointer Sisters...."somebody out there scream and put your hands in the air like you just don't care!"...mercy!

I can't forget the Staple Singers..."oh,oh,oh, yeah,let me take you there, I'll
take you there:... or Bebe and Cece Winans,and the whole Winans family...."seems like
we're livin in the last times, gotta have a made up mind,oh yeah."
My man the Reverend Al Green..."whether times are good or bad, or happy or sad...let's stay together..." it's startin' to feel like Church up in here! Gonna close with a little Barry White..."can't get enough of your love babe, I don't know, I don't know why, can't get enough of your love...."
As previously stated, Uncle D. truly was born a poor black child....can I get a witness?
Unforgettable,
D.

P.s. Roberta Flack and Donnie Hathaway....Where is the Love?
Stevie Wonder....Superstition
Gladys Knight....Midnight train to Georgia
The Chambers Brothers....Time
Sammy Davis Jr....Mr.Bojangles, The Candy Man, Something's Gotta Give
and all that Rat Pack stuff,really takes me back!

My Favorite Words

Hey, how you doin'?

My granddaughter and I have alot in common.
Seems like her favorite two words right now are "boobies" and "cookies",just like Grandpa.
At a barbecue when D. is asked,"breast or thighs?" he says "yes". You know what I mean? Nothing to be ashamed of, really. And the last ting Uncle D. wants is to offend somebody's sensibilities,but I gotta say at the end of the day, all tings considered, I'll take my trophy wife Betty who possesses top and bottom. If you catch my meaning.
...Oh yeah, cookies are good too, nothin' like a coupla big macaroons, right? You know what Sir-Mix-Alot would say.......

Bug's been playin' Christmas music already. What is up with that? I mean, can't we wait
at least until Thanksgiving is over before we break out all that Yuletide stuff? Ah
marone, it's like, didn't we just celebrate Independence Day? Now it's time for christmas music?
Come on, fuggetaboutit.
If I have to watch White Christmas one more time in September,I'm going to pop a blood vessel, capisci? I do however like that one Sinatra Christmas tune. It goes like, "Oh by gosh by golly, it's time for Michelob and Stoli!"
or this one's pretty good, "Jingle bells, Santa Smells(probably bourbon),he fell of the sleigh(read: wagon)."
And this one, "though the market out there is frightful, will it ever be delightful?
If you've really no place to go, smoke a bowl, smoke a bowl,smoke-a-bowl.."
And not to forget this holiday favorite, "I'll be home for eggnog, but you can't count on me. I'll be stoned on Christmas, way beyond my wildest dreams!"

Betty is really gonna pop me for this!
I get that a lot. I can smell the exhaust pipes under the bus even now!

Peace out,
D.

Elvis and the Chipmunks

Donnie just finished a wonderful meal with Buggles: Eggplant Parmigiana with a little salad,a little bread and a little glass of vino. It was quite nice. Now, normally Uncle D. is not such a great fan of vegetables. For years and years I couldn't eat anything green, or any healthy stuff, you know what I mean? Now, I'm even eating eggplant! Altho, in D's defense, eggplant is purple.
Go figger! I can even eat asparagus, they're green, and brussel sprouts too, as long as you serve it with a little prosciutto. Of course, Uncle D. could eat ice cream with prosciutto and probably everything else for that matter. I'm thinkin' it's more than likely that I could'nt eat Chinese food with prosciutto. Unless it was Sesame Chipmunk or somethin' like that, you know what I mean?
Sesame Chipmunk always reminds me of those cute little guys with
the high voices. You know, the chipmunks. Elvis and the chipmunks, you remember right?
What Uncle Donnie would like to know is, who came up with the term "chipmunk" anyway?
Buggles thinks a great name for a band would be, "Elvis and the Chipmunks"...
Elvis, Simon, and Theodore, right? Kinda like meeny, miney and moe, the three blind mice, three dog night... Fuggetaboutit!
Did you know that you can now buy low-sodium Spam? That's right. 25% less sodium, which means the 100 yr. shelf-life is now only 75 yrs. Try the veal, I'll be here
all week.

D.
Here's a few more movies for you to watch:
Carlito's Way.....Pacino
Scarface.......Pacino
The Brotherhood....Kirk Douglas
Find Me Guilty....Vin Diesel
Little Caesar.... Edward G. Robinson

Ciao.

Deliverance By Christ only

None of the Israelites under the Old Testament were ever saved by the Sinai covenant;
neither did any of them ever attain to holiness by the terms of it. Some of them did indeed perform the commandments of it sincerely, though imperfectly: but those were
first justified, and made partakers of life and holiness, by virtue of that better
covenant made with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, which was the same in substance with
the new covenant or testament established by the blood of Christ. Had it not been for that better covenant, the Sinai covenant would have proved to them an occasion of no
happiness, but only of sin, despair, and destruction: and therefore it is now
abolished, 2 Cor. 3:6,8.9,11. We have cause to praise God, for delivering His
church, by the blood of Christ, from this yoke of bondage; and we have cause to
abhor the device of those that would lay upon us a more grievous and terrible yoke,
by turning our very new covenant into a covenant of sincere works, and leaving us no
such better covenant, as the Israelites had under their yoke, to relieve us in our
extremity.
Excerpted from The Gospel Mystery of Sanctification, Walter Marshall, author.

Uncle Donnie

Coupla three things.....maybe four or five.....

Coupla three things Uncle Donnie is not too happy about:
My team's not doing so good in the series,this is Halloween weekend (which I am personally sick of) and if I get one more political call, I'm probably gonna throw up. Sheesh, enough already!
Oh yeah, there's a fourth thing: which is the fact that it's getting colder and colder and the days are getting shorter and shorter,ya know what I mean? Personally Uncle D. is more like a fair weather sorta guy. His attitude is affected by the appearance of the sun on a regular basis....Sunshine = good, no sunshine = not so good....Things are going good,Uncle Donnie's doing good... Things going not so good, Uncle Donnie's not so good, capisci?
Whaddya gonna do?
On the other hand, I really got no complaints. Life is good. Cold, but good. My daughter and my granddaughter are here visiting from warm,sunny Southern Florida,
so that's been a big treat for Uncle D. and his trophy G-Ma Betty. You know, Floridians
freeze at 68 degrees and their teeth chatter and knees knock, etc. vwhen they are cold... Anyways, we are enjoying watching them shiver, fuggetaboutit!
Go Rangers! Hold your nose and cast your vote,and try and stay warm.
Oh, and please keep away from all that Halloween candy, it'll kill you!
And we'll leave a light on for you.....
Sometimes Uncle D. hears crickets. I get little cricket sounds in my head, sounds loony
I know, but I hear them occasionally, whattya gonna do?

Ciao,
Uncle Donnie

The Texorcist and the Church of Pat Benatar

Uncle Donnie notices things.
Like when he's driving down the road, he notices the person almost running him off the road is usually very busy talking or texting on the phone.
Sometimes they're finishing up their make-up, sometimes they're actually reading a book,or putting the last touches on that croissant they purchased earlier from the local deli...You know what I mean? It makes D. think that what we really need is a Texorcist: someone who can help these poor folks rid themselves of those demons that are hellbent to send Uncle D. to the ICU. Someone with the authority to do some necessary texorcisms,healings... That type of expert intervention that would really help some of these wayward drivers!
Maybe even the laying on of hands and anointing with some thirty-weight motor oil would help. The Good Lord knows Uncle D. would've liked to have gotten his hands on a couple of these poor drivers(read: losers). Whaddya gonna do?

Speaking of the Good Lord, do you think Jesus ever reads some of the signs His Church
uses for advertisement? If He does read them, I wonder what He thinks? Does Jesus
laugh or does He get embarrassed and just shake his Divine Head saying,"As you can see, I spoil my children",(read: Don Vito to Virgil Solozzo, The Godfather)...D. wonders!
Anyways, here are some that Uncle D. has seen.....
"Autumn Leaves Jesus Doesn't...."
"The Church is made up of three types of people: true believers, unbelievers, and
make believers..."
"We're not Dairy Queen, but we have great Sundays!...."
"Seven Days Without Church Makes One Weak...."
"Jesus Is A Soul Man...."
"WWJD".... We Want Jack Daniels!...Oops, I mean "What Would Jesus Do?"...
"Christians Aren't Perfect, We're Just Disobedient..."
and finally, for those who prefer the Church of Pat Benatar, "You're a heartbreaker,
dream-maker, love taker......"
A dopo,
Donnie

Kid Gazelle and the P.R.O.P.

So today at work The Kid says to me, "you really should become a coffee drinker",
I reply, "no thanks,I'm not really interested in coffee...never have been, never will be!"
Did Uncle D. ever tell you about The Kid? He's the kid who works for me. The second son of my good friend, the rarely innebriated Takashi (he ain't no fugazi) Woods,co-champion canasta player,and part-time landscape genius! Anyways, his kid, The Kid, who should probably be working for the ATC, that is alcohol,tobacco and coffee, thinks that Uncle Donnie should change his status from non-coffee guy to pro-coffee guy, which ain't never gonna happen until Starbucks freezes over (if you get my meaning)which will be a while, I'm guessing. So, The Kid, whose last name let's say is Gazelle, reminds me of the name changes one has to go through when entering the witness protection program....New life, new job, new city and state,
and new name, you know what I mean?
Where was I? Oh yeah, so The Kid Gazelle,a real coffee snob, says "I need you to stop by a coffee house on the way home from work, so I can get a cup of coffee, and maybe another stop at a covenience store to get a pack
of smokes." To which I replied, "Sure 'ting, Mr. Gazelle, anything I can do to make you happy!"...Yeah,right! Now remember this also: Uncle Donnie is not overly fond
of being downtown in The People's Republic of Portland, a town whose motto is "let's
keep Portland weird", where the men are men and so are the women, where beer is supreme and so is the beer.(You gotta think about that one for a while). Anyways, after work we stop,park illegally and wait For The Kid to satisfy his cravings, which he does, and then we head for home. On our way, The Kid says that he's having a really good cup of C., with four shots and a little cream, to which I reply, "Take off the top of the cup and I will try it", I guess I was tired or curious, or just plain dumb thinking that four shots of anyting might be really good.I was probably imagining that four shots of J.D. with a little coca cola might hit the spot real nicely. I taste it, it tastes like coffee, I don't like coffee,game over. I think what it lacked was a couple shots of bourbon. If coffee tasted anything like bourbon, Uncle Donnie just might change his mind!

Ciao,
Uncle Donnie

Oh Yeah,? Well My Dogma Just Lifted Its Leg On Your Karma!

Thing is,
There's things Uncle D knows, and, believe it or not, there's things Uncle D does not
know.
Fa'instance, Uncle D knows when to take a shower, or when to make a nice meatball, or when to open a bottle or six of Ruffino, or even when to get out of Betty's way should she want to pop me for being a smart asp! Capisci mi? You know, sumthins'
along these lines, Uncle D knows pretty good...
Anyways, the things Uncle D has a litle more difficulty understandin' (and maybe Uncle D is just a dumb bastid) but I really don't get the hype with them, are those whattya-call-them gurus! Or, swamis, you know them bearded guys from India, or Indiana or Iniannapolis or wherever they come from. They're always spoutin' off about whatever it is they spout off about, religion I guess, maybe inner peace, what's it called? This transcontinental medication stuff. I dunno, have a merry Krishna, but don't eat cow because they do cow worship or sumthin' like that. I mean, it sounds pretty serious, I guess, all that stuff about reincantation and yogi, or yogurt, no yoda, no yoga!.... Dat's it with all that shitar music from Ravi Shanker,or was it Savy Kanker- no Ravi Shankar! I mean I wouldn't know the difference from Ravi to Ravioli, or from shrimp to shinola, you see where I'm goin with this stuff?
... Maybe they call it transcannabis indigestion... I don't know, It sounds freakin' ooga booga, right?

And howsabout these characters like The Maharishi Hashish Yogi, remember him, right?
And the other guy, bald dude, you know, Mahatma(man not my)Ganja? And that other swami what used to live up there in OryGone? The goofball what had all the those Rolls-Royces out in the desert outside of Madras, OryGone who thought he was in Madras,India?
Yeah, that's him alright, The Bongwann Shree Radcheese. That's da guy!

I mean, who knows about this stuff? Hare Krisna, Harry Potter, Harry Dangler, Herry
Lewis(that's Spanish for Jerry Lewis) I mean, it all sounds the same to me. It's like when Frankie Pantangeli tells Mike Corleone, "Mike, we gotta hit 'em hard now, while we got the muscle!"...
Go figure, to uncle D, it's still a mystery. Whattya gonna do?

That being said, I should apologize for some of my language this evening, so
perdonamai mi amici!

D.

Some Like It Hot!

Uncle Donnie gets thrown under the bus fairly regularly. Whattya gonna do?
Next time though, throw me under the one that's travelling to somewhere hot. And if not hot, let it be somewhere really warm, you know what I mean? Somewhere like Arizona or sunny southern Cali. Florida's good, or maybe San Antonio, Texas. You know, someplace where my biggest decisions would be like what shape of icecubes to put in my adult beverage, or what kinda sandwich spread to use on my sandwich, or whether to use my lob wedge or pitching wedge, you get my meaning? Uncle Donnie wants to live somewhere where the climate would allow him to put to use his favorite slogan, from his favorite T-shirt. "0 to Naked in 3.7 Beers".....
"Fairy tales can come true, it can happen to you, if you're young at heart"... Thanks, Frank, I needed that...."if you are among the very young at heart"....That's Uncle D. to a T...
Some like it hot, like Betty and me, two tots looking for the meadow and pickin' up lots of forget-me-nots...."You make me feel so young" .......such a lucky individual!

Devo andare adesso( I have to go now )
Uncle D
P.S. E la sua volontate e nostra pace
In doing His will we find our peace
Dante

Donnie....Dumb and Dumber

So the other day, Uncle Donnie takes a trip to the bank to make a deposit for his trophy wife Betty. This is what happens.
O.K. Uncle Donnie grabs the check off Betty's desk and notices this note that
says, "last four digits are ****" Well, Uncle Donnie's not impressed and doesn't get (i.e.,understand) the note, yet he takes off for the bank, capisci?
Upon arrival, Uncle Donnie approaches the teller, hands her the check with note attached and says, "My trophy wife Betty sent me down here to deposit this check, but
I have no idea what these numbers mean,do you?" She politely replies, "Yes, those are the last four numbers of the account to be accessed for this deposit."
and then She smiles.
Uncle Donnie's only response to the obvious was that women are much smarter than men, to which she agreed. She then said that she had heard
recently that women who have children have proven to be smarter than women who haven't had children.By now, Uncle Donnie is feeling quite like the maroon that only a few people know him to be. To this statement, the other lady teller in the adjacent corner chimes in with, "Yes that makes great sense,doesn't it?"
Now Uncle Donnie is wondering how much more stupid that makes him? He knows when he started this little errand he was dumber than the general population of women and now, by degrees, he is much more dumb than all the women who have had children! This makes him wonder how imbecilic he must be compared to that woman who was not only a woman, but a mother and also a grandmother,which must mean smarter yet and Uncle Donnie dumber still!!

So all Uncle Donnie could say was,"I have three daughters, and they are all smarter than me, and one of them has a daughter."....Ah Marone, I never want to see those ladies(geniuses) again.......Uncle Donnie needs a drink, a double I think....Perhaps
two doubles! whattya gonna do?
A Dopo
Uncle Dummie

Bella Cosa Far Niente

Uncle Donnie just got back from vacation. My Trophy Wife Betty and I travelled to sunny Palm Desert, California with our dear friends the Woods. That would be Takashi (He ain't no Fugazi) Woods and his wife, Mrs. Woods.
We spent a glorious seven days in a desert paradise and simply engaged ourselves in some serious lounging and idle employments.Bella cosa far niente...Idleness is a nice employment, a beautiful thing. It was pazza completo...completely crazy, in every good way!
First night in town, and we ate at a little Italian joint where we met our host Pietro, Sicilian, of course, from the town of Modello, just outside of Palermo. Anyways, it was a delicious meal,two sole piccatas, one eggplant parmigiana and one spaghetti and meatballs...bellisimo Don Pietro!...Oh yeah, don't forget the chianti- it wassa so good, you know what I mean?

Did I mention who the Canasta champions of 2010 are? Well, that would be me and my very efficient and rarely inebriated partner, Mr. Woods! Yes, it was so good to see the girls take their cushions everywhere they went as their butts were spanked quite
thoroughly, you get my meaning? It's like my Trophy Wife Betty always says, "Go big...or go home!" ...Me and Mr. Woods went big that week, sorry girls....Que Sera, Sera.
it was so nice. We had a short walk to the pool,we could rehydrate, I mean refuel,
you know, refresh our drinks, and the girls could quickly soothe their bottoms with a dip in the luscious pool...
I really like that word luscious. It reminds me of the name I'd call my restaurant,
if I should live so long. "Betty's Luscious Buns"!
Fuhgettaboudit!!



Devotissimio Suo(yours truly)
Uncle Donnie

My Jesus, I Love Thee

My Jesus, I love Thee, I know Thou art mine; For Thee all the follies of sin I resign; My gracious Redeemer, my Saviour art Thou; If ever I loved thee, my Jesus, 'tis now.

I love thee, because Thou hast first loved me, And purchased my pardon on Calvary's tree; I love Thee for wearing the thorns on Thy brow; If ever I loved thee, my Jesus, 'tis now.

I'll love Thee in life, I will love Thee in death, And praise Thee as long as Thou lendest me breath; And say when the death-dew lies cold on my brow, If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, 'tis now.

In mansions of glory and endless delight, I'll ever adore Thee in heaven so bright; I'll sing with the glittering crown on my brow, If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, 'tis now. Amen.



This wonderful song from todays worship service sent Uncle Donnie back to a place where his first love for Christ was the sweetest first love.
D.

In The Bathroom

Come Stai, mi amici?
Uncle Donnie has to lay out some things. I need to esplain sonthin'(Spanish for 'Explain something'). It's like when Desi was upset with Luci and demanded,
"Luci, you got some esplainin' to do!!' You know what I mean?

So. Here goes. Back in the day as a young Evangelical(read: Baptist) I used to play this little game called, "In The Bathroom". What this meant was that when we said a gospel song title we had to finish with "In The Bathroom"...
For example: "Be Still My Soul... In The Bathroom." or, "Jesus,I Am Resting.... In The Bathroom.", or, "Who Is He In Yonder Stall.... In The Bathroom.", or even, "I Surrender All... In The Bathroom."!
Anyways, we used to die laughin' at some of those titles. The funniest one I ever heard, though, was one from my dear friend and goombati,Zak the Sparky Lortz, who recently gave me this sidesplitter, "He Touched Me.... In The Bathroom".
To which Sparky added,"Wait, wait. That's the Catholic version."
They had to rush me to the frigging hospital! I swear I almost wet myself. It was so sick, yet so very funny! This guy Lortz can make Uncle Donnie laugh hard...Salute Don Sparky Lortz!

That being said, Uncle Donnie says to himself, "Self, maybe we shouldn't be so
irreverent," you know what I mean? Maybe we should only play In The Bathroom using,say, Lennon and McCartney titles like, "It's Been A Hard Day's Night... In The Bathroom." "IFeel Fine... In The Bathroom", "I'm Happy Just To Dance With You... In The Bathroom." "I Should Have Known Better... In The Bathroom." "Please Please Me... In The Bathroom". "Do You Want To Know a Secret... In The Bathroom." "It Won't Be Long....I Wanna Be Your Man....You Can't Do That....Eight Days A Week....You've Got To Hide Your Love Away.....What Goes On.....Why Don't We Do It In The Road.....
And thats just through 1968! Geez,those guys were good. Bella musica.
Joosta one more "With A Little Help From My Friends....In The Bathroom."
A dopo!
D.

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

Recently, at Uncle D's domicile was held an all-female mini-conference entitled,"Estrogen: The Power of Inappropriate Hand Signals".
Yeah,I know it sounds wacky, but you'se don't know the half of it! I mean, I'm still shakin' my head 'bout it.
Attending this event were, from the great state of "Losertana", my sister-in-law L.Pooh with her daughters Fern and Schmooglie "The Little Sh--!" Pearson and from the great state of "Oneesee, Twoessee, Threeessee...Tennessee" was Nurse "Ima Retarded Mountain Woman" Cratchet. And finally, from the state of "None of Us Got Any Sleep that Week" were my trophy wife, Betty and Bug, my daughter. Yeah,you guessed it: all women..

As if that wasn't enough my mother and my sister (whom I might add are about three
fries short of a happy meal) stopped by to make it all the more interesting, if you get my meaning. I mean, really, it was like the female version of "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest"! And who ever said girls don't act like boys when they all get together?
Ah Marone! Assembled at this mini-conference were the choicest bunch of gigglers Uncle Donnie has ever heard... I think you'se should all say a few prayers
for their husbands, capisci?
Sure, there was no shower towel snappin' or locker room antics, but the hand- signaling workshop was in a class all it's own...!!
Girls ,you'se really outdid yourselves this time. It was a great time and Uncle Donnie can't wait for the next conference...Oh yeah, don't worry about the two cases of chianti you drank that week, it's on me!

Ciao,
Donnie
P.S. A few more Mobster movies for you to watch:
Analyze This
Analyze That
Donnie Brasco
The Departed (this is the one with Leonardo di CRAP-io)
Miller's Crossing

Badabing!

Golf...Chasing the Dream....

Thing is:
Uncle Donnie has been working way too much lately. It's like my job is
interfering with my leisure time- and Uncle D really loves his leisure time, you
know what I mean?

My golf game? Fugettaboutit. What golf game? I mean, me and Takashi (he
ain't no Fugazi) Woods haven't even sniffed a golf course in weeks! Six weeks, to be exact. It's-a no good, paisan. Whaddya gonna do?
I mean, I got the Golf channel on cable and I watch it all the time, but it's not the same! You can't smell the cigar smoke,or the aroma of empty beer cans in the back of the cart, and I really miss the taste of that occasional chilidog after the first nine holes. You know, when you make the turn and head for the clubhouse to replenish the 12-pack of suds for the next nine, and you just gotta grab that chilidog? You'se can hear it calling, "Donnie....Uncle Doooonnie! Bet you can't eat just one, Donnie!!"
Enough already, so you tell the cute little waitress that the second one's for your buddy,and you're on your way! On your way alright, straight to the ER to have your stomach pumped is more like it! It's all good though,you're gonna have that cheesecake later that your trophy wife Betty made for you the night before, you get my meaning?
Really though, we play golf purely for the exercise!..."You lying sack of shrimp!!!..."
.....I mean, merely for the fellowship and the competitive camaraderie...."What have you been smoking, Donnie?"
Ok, ok, it's really about gettin' that good buzz on early so's you can
chase the little woman around the house for awhile- hopin' she'll let you catch
her just before your daughter gets home from working at the pizza joint that evening. Yeahh baby!

Donnie

P.S.
You gotta remember to not have onions on that chilidog, or the chase is off for good.
Capisci?

Don't Hurt 'Em, Hammer

Uncle Donnie has a serious question...
American Bandstand or Soul Train? It's like Pepsi or Coke( you know, Pepsi,the Anti-Coke),White or wheat? Fish or chicken? Hashbrowns or waffles? You know what I mean? I mean, Sinatra's favorite was Tony Bennett. Scratch that his real favorite was Jack Daniels-mine too.
Some people get their whiskey confused. For instance, some want Black Daniels or a shot of Jack Velvet. I don't care what you call mine, just make it a double and put it in a glass, or a jar, a vase, whatever; put it in a hubcap for all I care, it's all the same to me, capisci?
Don't get me wrong, Bennett had the pipes and can still sing (what is he, 102 yrs old now?) and he still can't find his heart! I'm thinking maybe he should look in San Francisco. 50 bucks says the name of that old song was not "I left my heart in East Lansing" you get my meaning?
My friend Takashi (he ain't no fugazi) Woods and me, with our wives, went to a concert a couple years back and heard Tony Bennet in person.What a treat it was! I mean Mr. Woods will go anywhere if you tell him it's gonna be at the casino. Anyways, we had a great time and Takashi didn't lose very much at all.

Old Blue Eyes could sing pretty well himself. Sometimes,when I'm awfully low, I just feel the glow- eh, whoops. Uncle Donnie got carried away there.Anyways, sometimes, I plug in the iPod and let the old Sicilian genius do his thing. I still get tingles when I hear "In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning",or, "Luck be a Lady Tonight" (which, might be Mr. Woods' favorite come to think of it), "Come Fly With Me", "I've Got the World on a String", "My Way" and all the rest. There will never be another Sinatra!
Uncle Donnie's favorite singers consist of:
Johnny Mathis, Barbra Streisand, Frank Sinatra, Nat 'King' Cole, Marvin Gaye,Al Green, Jeffrey Osbourne, Ozzy Osbourne...Dean Martin, M.C.Hammer, PeeWee Herman....
My all-time fav, has got to be, MC Hammer, tho. You know, you "can't touch this..STOP! Hammertime...."
Or if you're feeling religious, "That's why we pray, pray! We got to pray, just to
make it today- that's why we pray......"
Ciao,
Uncle D.

I love Baptists

Uncle Donnie was converted to the Christian Faith (is that the same thing as saying
"I got saved"?) almost forty years ago. I think I was about 17 yrs. old and ready for a change. Up until then, I had followed in the shadow of my father's Atheism and was quite comfortable in that condition... Until, that is, I met my future Trophy Wife, Betty. She had a great little wiggle, and I was all eyes, you get my meaning? Anyways, she went to church and I didn't. At all.

Betty had a conversion experience, I think in '67 (that would be 1967- not 1867, smart ass!... Please excuse my "French").
She had attended a Billy Graham Crusade, and made a committment to follow Jesus, which she has done for these past forty years. Uncle Donnie, on the other hand, made a committment to follow that little wiggle, wherever it roamed, and so I did. I followed that wiggle right into her little community(read: Baptist)church. I heard the Gospel preached and explained quite well by a man named David Hay, and within six months I made a decision to trust in Jesus.That's what I did. That's my story and I'm a-stickin' to it.

Those Baptists were great! they showed me love and concern and a huge amount of grace. You see, Uncle Donnie in those days was a little rough around the edges. Actually, if the truth be known, I was rough all over. I was a complete novice,just a beginner; in baseball parlance, a "rookie". In street talk, a "fanuggy", you know what I mean?...but I never did inhale!

I really loved the Baptists. In fact, I think everybody should own one.
....What?
Oh, Baptists... I was talking about Bassets. You know, the cute little floppy eared-
What??
No! I'm not saying that Baptists have floppy ears! Come on, fuggetaboutit! That's
how rumors get started. I can't believe you take this stuff so seriously.
"Tom, he's taken this business very serious." (reference:Sonny Corleone, The Godfather).
If the Baptists love Jesus, and they do, then I love the Baptists and so does Jesus,so go and show some love to our dear Jesus-loving brethren!
Start by reading Spurgeon's sermons on the Song Of Solomon from his "Treasury of the
Old Testament". I think there's thirteen or so of them and Uncle Donnie has read them all.
"I am my beloved's and He is mine."

D.

P.S. Uncle Donnie doesn't necessarily sanction "wiggle" evangelism... But, God does work in mysterious ways...Ya know what I mean?

Next year in Sicily

Uncle Donnie likes to eat.
This should be of no surprise to you who know me.
I married into a family of great cooks, and gaging by the size of my waist, their
efforts have not been wasted. It reminds me of this truism: if the mind is a terrible thing to waste, then the waist is a terrible thing to mind, you know
what I mean?
Really, I probably need to lose at least three dress sizes-Oops, that was Uncle Debbie talking right there- and get this:so far on my current thirty day diet, I've lost sixteen days!
Hello, Uncle Donnie is asovrappeso, a little overweight, whattaya gonna
do? Uncle Donnie never met a six course meal he didn't like. What can I say? I like my bread soaked in bread, capisci? Here's a surprise for you, we in this house love Italian food. We love to prepare it, and love to eat it, reheat it and eat it again, you get my meaning?
You want I should cook for you, maybe a little Sicilian Roast Beef with a parmesan
risotto? Or howsabout a beautiful bolognese with mild italian sausage covering a crispy polenta?Maybe a little crostini or bruschetta, and about three bottles of Ruffino.....Yeah, that ought to do it.
And just to top it off, maybe some spumoni. Or a nice cannoli... or a large lingucia pizza- joosta whatta the Doctor ordered, paisan!
Mozzarella, tomatoes, and basil baby, tricolore, joosta like the italian flag. White,red and green.... Makes-a me wanta sing O Sole Mio, Volare and Grazzi,Scusi, Prego Be Polite. Where did I put those Louis Prima records?
Next year in Sicily,
Uncle D.

Man, I Feel Like a Woman!

Uncle Donnie loves women. I mean, think about it for a minute, my mother is a woman, and I've got my trophy wife Betty, she's a woman (What a Woman!!!) my three daughters, all women, my sister, sisters-in-law, neices. Women, women, women!! Out of the woodwork, I got women. I have a good friend,S.Stangley,and him and his wife (you guessed it- a woman)have four daughters! That's right, every one a woman. I got another friend, Zak Lortz and he's got one wife and three little women in training, all beautiful future women.It's a beautful thing, you know what I mean?
But it's got some serious side effects if you're a member of the male specimen.
I mean, how much estrogen can a guy take? It's like Uncle Donnie's feminization process is about to esplode!!(that's Spanish for explode).
My estrogen meter is red-lining and I'm probably gonna have a headache later... Has anyone seen my midol pills? And if you call me a wussy, I'm gonna have to agree with you on that score....Mamma Mia!

Who was the lady country singer who did that song,"I Feel Like a Woman" ?? I think her name was Shiner Twang, or somethin'... Anyhow, Uncle Donnie digresses.
Hey, lately I'm thinkin' that's my song. I feel like a woman! Thats me, I'm Uncle Debbie. Whaddya gonna do?

Oh yeah, not to mention I love vodka, the quintessential chick drink! But only when I'm not retaining water, and certainly not when my breasts are sore.....
Come on, snap out of it D.! Oh, marone.

Here's my big idea: the power of estrogen needs to be channeled! I mean, if some scientist or gynecologist, or maybe eve a fertility expert could develop an atomic estrogen bomb, we could easily wipe out N. Korea, Iran, Al Qaeda... and What's the other bum's name? Osaka Bum Louden? Well, him too, and all them losers in Half-A-Gascan- and live relatively peaceful lives! Capisci?

James Brown was wrong, it's not a man's world...its a woman's world, but he was right about his song Sex Machine...Fahgeddaboudit.

That being said, Uncle Donnie still loves women,and believes that God saved the best
for last when He made Eve!
Ciao!
Uncle Debbie.. Uh, I mean Donnie...

Excuse Me, Excuse My Family

Uncle Donnie loves to laugh,and loves to be with people who love to laugh. Laughter is the opiate to the soul, a sweet cordial ,one of life's distinct pleasures. Jesus wants us to laugh, so go and have a huge, sidesplitting laugh. Have one on me.

This a true story about my grandpa, Pappy, entitled, "Scusa Mi, Scusi Mi Famiglia":
Pappy worked for my dad as a drywall taper and he always took "the old lady"(my grandma) and his youngest son(my uncle Rex) with him. So Pappy and his little crew of helpers were on the job one day; Grandma was picking up drywall scraps and loading
them onto the truck and Rex was wiping down the tape when suddenly, from the back of the house Pappy bellowed, "Pack 'em up Rex, I sh-- my pants!" So, immediately, Rex packed 'em up and off they went. This is a true story. It makes Uncle Donnie laugh to this day. Good ole' Pappy was a card-carrying member of the Communist party,idolized FDR, and is probably
rolling over in his grave knowing that his grandson Donnie is a registered
Republican. My Dad, Fritz, was chased numerous times in his youth by other "yutes" (reference: My Cousin Vinny), that they might punish him for being the son of, "that commie S.o.B.!!"
Whaddya gonna do? Mi Famiglia.

The first time Pappy met my mother-in-law-to-be, the dearest, sweetest mother-in-law-
to-be of all time,he spewed out this profanity-laced political invective about... Well, to be honest, I don't even remember who or what it was about. All I remember is I just about died right there, on the spot. I wondered,and worried, that she might question the pedigree of her daughter's main squeeze (suitor), but she was the most gracious person I have ever met. She took it
all in stride, and with a smile on her face, actually seemed humored in the presence of this Socialist-Democrat lunatic. Pappy was great, though, few men could have carried his lunchpail to work, you know what I mean?

Someday Uncle Donnie would like to see these slogans printed on some t-shirts:

Support Mental Health Or I'LL Kill You

Everything You Know Is Wrong

There Goes The Sheriff and His Possum

Hey, Just Drive Down My Street and UP YOURS!

Smile If You Like Bacon

Uncle Donnie... A Legend In His Own Mind

Saluto,
Uncle Donnie

If I Wanted Your Opininon, I'd Give it to You

Buongiorno mi amici!

Maybe I should have called this blog, "Uncle Donnie's Bi-Weekly", or, "Uncle Donnie's Once-in-Awhile",or even, "Uncle Donnie's Whenever-I-Get-to-It". You know, somethin' like that.
I was reminded this past week by my dear old friend Mason Bledsoe (I think his web address is BackinthedayIsmokedalotofdope.blogspot.com) that I forgot a few nicknames. He must have had a flashback or something, here goes...
Apparently, I used to call someone Keiko, you know, the Killer Whale? Maybe if that person would have mixed in a few salad bars every now and then,I would have called him Slim or Tiny... Or Stretch, you know what I mean?
Then there was the Klunatic, a gent whose last name was Klune, who was a real pain in the-well,you know.
I call everybody on the jobsite Fuzznuts. "Hey fuzznuts, got that closet done yet?",or, "Hey fuzznuts, I'd like to get this job done before I get my Social Security!" You know, these are real terms of endearment, they're very touching.
I've got another uncle named Butch, another sister-in-law named Missy Mouse, and another good friend I call Zack Lortz... I hope I didn't leave anyone out this time!
Anyways, thanks Mason for the reminder, which reminds me, have you seen our old friend Kurt Fekker lately? Next time you see him, give my regards to him and his wife and all those little Fekkers. Really a nice family,those Fekkers. God Bless 'em.

Sometimes, Uncle Donnie feels like Barney Coopersmith. (reference: My Blue Heaven)Nothing ever went well for Barney. Everytime he tries to get out of his car the seatbelt trips him up, his job as an FBI agent is less-than-stellar, his wife ran off with a younger sports Jock, and he's too short to be loved by the ladies. Really Barnie is often very inept, a real loser....WAIT A MINUTE, Uncle
Donnie is not this man. Uncle Donnie is more like Vincent Antonelli, (reference: Steve Martin's character in My Blue Heaven)
What am I thinkin'? "I need some arugula...its a vegetable", I need to meringue with
my trophy wife Betty, maybe visit my tailor for a new silk suit, smell the roses, have a glass of vino, tip a flight attendant $100 for one alcoholic beverage, you know what i mean? This is makin' me hungry for life already.
Uncle Donnie's gotta split, but befoe I do I thought I'd give you my five favorite
La Cosa Nostra movies:
The Godfather Trilogy
A Bronx Tale
Goodfellas
Casino
My Blue Heaven
Mobsters

Remember this: if Uncle Donnie wanted your opinion, he'd give it to ya.
Fondly,
D.

What's In a Name?

Uncle Donnie grew up in a family that loved to nickname or re-name certain individuals.
My dad was re-named Fritz,and sometimes referred to as Teddy. What kind of name is Fritz, anyways? Seems like an odd name to me. My daughter, nicknamed Heimy, had a guinea pig once named Squiggey Fritz... Maybe it was a gerbil?... I don't know.
I have a brother whose nickname was Fang, another of my brothers was called Pood. My baseball coach called me Rabbit.

I had an uncle named Freck, another named Short and a cousin we called Timmy Highstuff. My grandfather everyone knew as Pappy. Pappy's wife, my grandmother, was referred to as The Old Lady, mostly by Pappy himself.

Uncle Donnie learned at the feet of the best nicknamers ever! I guess that's why I love to give people new names....I am a nicknamer at heart.

So, I have three daughters: Hal or Ernie (reference: What's Eating Gilbert Grape?), Katrina Katrina Kabutski, and Bug (formerly introduced as Heimy). I have a sister-in-law named L.Pooh and her two daughters, my two neices, are Schmooglie Pearson
and Fern, or sometimes, Fernie. I have a relative I call The Relative, a son-in-law named Braindead (formerly introduced as Bryon Shitzel)and a young friend I call the Chameleon because he changes a lot.

Bug/Heimy, my youngest, has two friends who now have nicknames: Smiley Johnson and Funky-Eye Spears, and there are many others who can't be mentioned due to propriety and better judgement. However, in closing I might mention my golf/cribbage/canasta partner Takashi (He ain't no Fugazi) Woods who is sometimes affectionately referred to as Tyrannosaurus Sex.
Whaddya gonna do?
I just calls 'em as I sees 'em.
Ciao,
D

Do you think Lebron James likes meatloaf?

Uncle Donnie is sick about hearing about LeBron James. Enough already. Is he going to
New York? Miami? Chicago, Montego, baby why don't we go- Oops. I guess that reminded me of an old Beach Boys tune. Anyways, I bet Wilt is turning over in his grave. Wilt
the Stilt and Dr J. were my most favorites of all time. Hey, I know, give me L.J.s money, give him a feather and then we'll both be tickled, you know what I mean? Stay in Cleveland L.J.

Did you ever notice the similiarities between God's Church and a really good meatloaf?

I didn't think so, but today is your lucky day because Uncle Donnie is gonna show you the similarity.
It goes like this: God fashions His Church from two distinct groups, Jews and Gentiles. A good meatloaf is comprised of two distinct meats, ground beef and ground
pork. That's right, the Gentile is the pork and the beef is the Jew. The only person who can keep these two groups together is The Holy Spirit; He's the one making this
meatloaf and keeping it together. This is why when we make that really good
meatloaf, we crack one big egg over the beef and pork to help bind them,so that the two become one. To help with this binding, this knitting together in love, God gives His church His word, and His word fashions and tightens together all who are in His
church. Likewise, our meatloaf is fashioned and tightened together with a few bread-crumbs, giving it consistency and texture. Oh yeah, don't forget that the breadcrumbs
are like Jesus,our "bread of life", and the living Word upon whom we truly feed.
So then, God says to The Spirit,
"Give My Church these nine gifts, or fruits, so that my church can flourish and be desirable: love,joy, peace,patience,kindness,goodness,faithfulness,gentleness and self-control."
So we then add to our really great meatloaf these nine ingredients for flavor: diced onion,minced mushrooms,chopped garlic, a little chili sauce,a splash of worcestershire, a good pinch of salt, a good pinch of pepper and a little drizzle of ketchup on top at the very last. We combine all these ingredients and form them into one loaf like God takes all the necessary ingredients to form his church.
So then what?
Well, our meatloaf needs to be baked in the oven for a while at just the right temperature in order to finish this savory dish. In the same way, God puts his church through the furnaces of trial and affliction at the right temperature, and for the right amount of time, to accomplish His goal: that His church give herself to service and worship and to draw many to her Heavenly Chef.
Our truly great meatloaf is consumed for our physical needs.
God's truly great meatloaf is consumed for His Glory and for His purposes.
I bet you guys knew this all along and now you can attend the meatloaf of your choice.
One last thing, if we are to pray without ceasing, do you think that we might cease
without praying?

Stay in Cleveland L.J.
Ciao,
Donnie

God Bless Golf and Vodka

Uncle Donnie just finished a round of golf with his golfing buddy,Takashi "Woods" (he ain't no Fugazi), and is feeling pretty good about his five over par performance. This is a game best described by this saying,"I hate this game.I hate this game. Hey, nice shot!....I love this game. I love this game." I even hit safely out of bunkers twice. Life is a beautiful thing, you know what I mean?

So I'm kicking back, finishing my first adult beverage and I got Godfather, part II in the background, you know for a little inspiration. Now I am ready for the rest of this Fourth of July weekend.

So I got a question for you. What does orange juice, pineapple juice, mango peach juice, lemonade and 7-Up all have in common? That's right! Grey Goose Vodka, the only thing the French ever did right.Viva la France! My son-in-law, Bryon "Shitzel" brought me a fifth yesterday. Hats off to B.S.! It's like he made me an offer I couldn't refuse.

Uncle Donnie is very patriotic. You know, tears come to my eyes when I hear The Star Spangled Banner or God Bless America...I get all choked up during the seventh inning stretch when they sing Take Me Out To The Ballgame... and I get very emotional when I hear Hot Fun In The Summertime by Sly Stone. He was a truely great American.
Now, Uncle Donnie has just a few concerns with our current national leaders, you know them. Mr. Obama, our Commander-in-Thief, and Joe Biden the Vice-AntiChrist... Then of course there's Mrs. Clinton, the Secretary of Take. And not to mention, the Secretary of the Treachory, Geitner, just to name a few....I don't even know who the Secretary of The Inferior is, probably a Democrat!
I better leave it at that.
God Bless this Mess.
Ciao,
Donnie

Good Stuff from Three Dead Guys

Three books that Uncle Donnie has been into recently are:
The Gospel Mystery of Sanctification by Walter Marshall,
God the Father, God the Son by Martyyn LLoyd-Jones,
and The Christian In Complete Armour by William Gurnall.
These are three excellent books by authors who have passed on into Glory; you see Uncle Donnie doesn't really trust (and rarely even likes) authors who aren't already dead, and whose works haven't withstood the test of time. It's just a thing with me!
Marshall, in his book, talks about our fellowship with Christ by our being in Christ, and having Christ, Himself, in us forming a mystical union. This union with us leads us to holiness and sanctification (what he calls a mystery) and likens it to two other mystical unions found in the Bible:the union of the Trinity of persons in one Godhead, and the union of the divine and human natures in one person-Jesus Christ. God and man. Good stuff!
Lloyd-Jones in his book, talking about God creating the world, describes three groups
of evolutionists:deistic, theistic, and atheistic. Obviously, the atheistic group
excludes God altogether. The deists saw God as a sort of cosmic clock-maker, if you will. They saw Him as creating the Universe and all within it, and then, upon completion, deciding to sit back and let the Universe, I.e, the clock, tick on its own mechanisms. They say that all the "great changes leading up to man" have happened automatically out of this empowered matter, or, clock.

The theistic group are believers, Christians if you will, who hold to evolutionary concepts. They say that the development of types and species has gone on, but God has guided it and sometimes has had to intervene in the process from time to time. They are theistic only in their believing in and emphasizing the activity of God. Not so good stuff.

Uncle Donnie believes that in the beginning was God, and in six 24 hr. days God created everything...capisci?

Gurnall in his book, delineates four types of faith, only one of which can "quench the fiery darts of Satan". These four types of faith are: historical, temporary, miraculous and justifying.
Historical faith cannot accomplish the goal, for even the Devil himself possesses this very faith{James 2:19}. Temporary faith can't do it either. It displays a goodly blaze of profession and endures for awhile but soon, it disappears{Matt.13:21). Miraculous faith is lacking as well. Judas I. used this kind of faith as he worked with the the other disciples casting out demons and other feats. However, he fell prey to coveteousness and hypocrisy and fell headlong into despair and, ultimately, perdition. Whaddya gonna do?
Even a simple assent to the truths of the gospel does not suffice. Judas I. possessed that kind of faith.
Only justifying faith can quench the attacks of the Evil One. ('Ye have overcome the wicked one'. 1 John 2:13).

"Justifying faith is that act of the soul by which it rests on Christ crucified for pardon and life, and trusts the guarantee of that promise. The language of this faith is I believe on Christ for the pardon of my sins. The word of God directs our faith to Christ and terminates it upon Him. It is called therefore a 'coming to Christ' (Matt.11:28),a'receiving of him'(JN.1;12), a 'believing on him' (JN17;20)" (Volume 3, pg 20, The Christian in Complete Armour. William Gurnell).




Uncle Donnie is thankful for the peace he has in Jesus Christ our Lord(Rom.5:1)
Did I tell you I like "ing" words? Reading...Jesus likes "ing" words. Go and read!
Ciao,
Donnie

Gentleman Jack and Marinara ala Sopranos

Uncle Donnie had a rough couple of days this week! Betty and I had to take our dog,Gentleman Jack Daniels, to the vet and have him put down. You know,it was time for the proverbial "dirt nap". This was a stressful situation,but Jack's time had come, and he was treated very well by Doc Wilson and his staff at the vet.
Three things about Gentleman Jack stick out in my mind: the first is the Halloween night when my trophy wife Betty dressed him up in a pumpkin costume and had him answer the door to the joy of all the little crumb-crunching trick or treaters. It truly was hilarious.
Next, was when Betty had a bout with breast cancer a few years back. Jack was such a sweet and loyal companion for her when she was all alone at home... He meant a lot to her; he really was her dog. Finally, Jack's value lay in the fact that he was the most lazy animal Uncle Donnie has ever seen. All he wanted to do was four things: eat, sleep, sleep and eat. Although, toward the end of his life, he learned how to bark a little bit. But, it was more like a loud whimper than a real bark. So for all those special times, I gotta say, Thanks Gentleman Jack, you were the man... I mean, dog.

On a brighter note, Uncle Donnie would like to share a quick recipe from the Sopranos
Cookbook. Marinara.
Chop a couple large garlic cloves,
Heat a saucepan and saute the garlic- don't let it get too brown.
Throw in a 28 oz. can of chopped tomatoes and bring to a boil.
Throw in 2 basil leaves and let it simmer for 10-15 minutes.
Simple sauce, simply delicious, Uncle Donnies favorite.
This kinda reminds me of that scene in the Godfather, when Clemenza says to Mikey, "Come over here, kid, learn somethin'. You never know when you's gonna hafta cook for 20 guys someday. First thing, throw in some water. And then you fry the garlic, throw in the tomato paste, make sure it don't stick. Bring it to a boil, and then you shove in all your sausages and your meatballs, and then you put in a little bit of wine. And then a little bit of sugar, and that's my trick."

Arrivederci,

Donnie

My Trophy Wife

Uncle Donnie had a great Father's Day! Great sermon at church, great food all day, and six hours of US Open Golf. The only downside was losing a game of canasta to my
trophy wife, Betty. Usually our card games... Well, they're like vinyl foreplay. But on Father's Day it was more like getting poked in the eye with a sharp stick, you know what I mean?
Albert Einstein said, "If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well
enough". Uncle Donnie says, "teachers make the best teachers, sheetrockers make the
best sheetrockers,and the best wife makes the best husband"....You can quote me on
that one.
My trophy wife Betty is a combination of Martha Stewart,Ina Garten (the Barefoot Contessa),Jamie Lee Curtis, and Mother Theresea.I kid you not. Me, I'm more like
Larry Moe And Curly, Abbott and Costello and Pee Wee Herman.... Uh-huh, I meant to do that.
Oh yeah, there's a lotta those great "ing" words we've perfected over the course of our 37 years, me and my trophy wife Betty.
Ciao,

Uncle Donnie

A Stone in my Sandal

It's Saturday PM and I just completed one of my favorite "ing" words,mowing.
I love to mow my lawn. Mowing is good therapy; Jesus wants me to mow my lawn and keep it looking good. I think Jesus wants you to mow your lawns, so go and mow.

The Italian word for bad is "male"(pronounced mal-yeh). So, I'm thinking male, bad, and I am a male- Uncle Donnie is definitely a male- so maybe thats why I end up under the bus so much....."You know I'm bad, I'm bad" thank you Mike Jackson. That's right, "we bad, we bad".
Thing is, I got this little problem. It's a stone in my sandal, a little irritation that I gotta get some closure to. Robert Deniro needed this closure in Analyze This, not that I need a shrink or something. (Palmenteri insists that his underling find out what this closure thing is...same movie).

My stone is this:
what is up with so many Evangelicals turning to Rome, embracing (another good "ing" word) Catholicism? I've got nothing personal against my Catholic brethren, we all know Mama Corleone was a devout Catholic. And my own bruddah, I mean
brother, married a good Catholic girl, although I think she was Irish and probably still is. That is, Catholic and Irish. And talk about some great contributions to
or culture, like I'm sure there would be no "Happy Hour" or fish and chips on Friday without these guys; and what about Notre Dame football and DePaul basketball? Don't forget all those weekly parish bingo games!.... All this to say, Uncle Donnie
is not a Catholic-phobe.
So, I'm thinking, maybe all protestants evangelical or not, are merely the minor leagues, you know, training and playing for the day when they get "called up" by
the big team. Is Rome the big team? Where we can say, "I finally made it! I'm a
big leaguer now!" ???
You know, maybe we all started in A ball, where you get Jesus and you learn easy-believism, walk an aisle and learn how to hand out tracts with that
darling little evangelical smile. And then, you get the call to AA ball and you learn
how to not be like other religious groups and you learn how to temper your zeal with a little, "saintly self-righteousness", looking down on others because they either speak in tongues, or don't speak in tongues. What happens next, is the call comes again and you find yourself in AAA ball, where you begin to learn to reject most of what you've been taught. You've lost your first love of the game, you loose the Jesus you found long ago, and you learn to be more formal, more mature, more polished at your game. And now, now you're sure and ready to get the call, the call back to the home team, the big team, the Roman team. You made the journey home....congratulations!

You say, "But Uncle Donnie,this happens so rarely, what's the big deal?"
Uncle Donnie says it is happening all the time.
There are Catholic cable stations with programming, including shows like The Journey Home, where former pastors, teachers and lay-people tell the stories of their journey home to the Mother Church, the true Church Of Jesus Christ.
There are pastors relinquishing their denominational credentials to work in new Catholic start up churches and so on, and so forth, yadda, yadda, yadda... Whaddya gonna do?

Well, that is my problem.....
Maybe I should request a sit-down and see what could be worked out. Maybe I should just give the Catholics a pass and forgeddabahdit.
Whaddya think?

Donnie