Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

Recently, at Uncle D's domicile was held an all-female mini-conference entitled,"Estrogen: The Power of Inappropriate Hand Signals".
Yeah,I know it sounds wacky, but you'se don't know the half of it! I mean, I'm still shakin' my head 'bout it.
Attending this event were, from the great state of "Losertana", my sister-in-law L.Pooh with her daughters Fern and Schmooglie "The Little Sh--!" Pearson and from the great state of "Oneesee, Twoessee, Threeessee...Tennessee" was Nurse "Ima Retarded Mountain Woman" Cratchet. And finally, from the state of "None of Us Got Any Sleep that Week" were my trophy wife, Betty and Bug, my daughter. Yeah,you guessed it: all women..

As if that wasn't enough my mother and my sister (whom I might add are about three
fries short of a happy meal) stopped by to make it all the more interesting, if you get my meaning. I mean, really, it was like the female version of "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest"! And who ever said girls don't act like boys when they all get together?
Ah Marone! Assembled at this mini-conference were the choicest bunch of gigglers Uncle Donnie has ever heard... I think you'se should all say a few prayers
for their husbands, capisci?
Sure, there was no shower towel snappin' or locker room antics, but the hand- signaling workshop was in a class all it's own...!!
Girls ,you'se really outdid yourselves this time. It was a great time and Uncle Donnie can't wait for the next conference...Oh yeah, don't worry about the two cases of chianti you drank that week, it's on me!

Ciao,
Donnie
P.S. A few more Mobster movies for you to watch:
Analyze This
Analyze That
Donnie Brasco
The Departed (this is the one with Leonardo di CRAP-io)
Miller's Crossing

Badabing!

Golf...Chasing the Dream....

Thing is:
Uncle Donnie has been working way too much lately. It's like my job is
interfering with my leisure time- and Uncle D really loves his leisure time, you
know what I mean?

My golf game? Fugettaboutit. What golf game? I mean, me and Takashi (he
ain't no Fugazi) Woods haven't even sniffed a golf course in weeks! Six weeks, to be exact. It's-a no good, paisan. Whaddya gonna do?
I mean, I got the Golf channel on cable and I watch it all the time, but it's not the same! You can't smell the cigar smoke,or the aroma of empty beer cans in the back of the cart, and I really miss the taste of that occasional chilidog after the first nine holes. You know, when you make the turn and head for the clubhouse to replenish the 12-pack of suds for the next nine, and you just gotta grab that chilidog? You'se can hear it calling, "Donnie....Uncle Doooonnie! Bet you can't eat just one, Donnie!!"
Enough already, so you tell the cute little waitress that the second one's for your buddy,and you're on your way! On your way alright, straight to the ER to have your stomach pumped is more like it! It's all good though,you're gonna have that cheesecake later that your trophy wife Betty made for you the night before, you get my meaning?
Really though, we play golf purely for the exercise!..."You lying sack of shrimp!!!..."
.....I mean, merely for the fellowship and the competitive camaraderie...."What have you been smoking, Donnie?"
Ok, ok, it's really about gettin' that good buzz on early so's you can
chase the little woman around the house for awhile- hopin' she'll let you catch
her just before your daughter gets home from working at the pizza joint that evening. Yeahh baby!

Donnie

P.S.
You gotta remember to not have onions on that chilidog, or the chase is off for good.
Capisci?

Don't Hurt 'Em, Hammer

Uncle Donnie has a serious question...
American Bandstand or Soul Train? It's like Pepsi or Coke( you know, Pepsi,the Anti-Coke),White or wheat? Fish or chicken? Hashbrowns or waffles? You know what I mean? I mean, Sinatra's favorite was Tony Bennett. Scratch that his real favorite was Jack Daniels-mine too.
Some people get their whiskey confused. For instance, some want Black Daniels or a shot of Jack Velvet. I don't care what you call mine, just make it a double and put it in a glass, or a jar, a vase, whatever; put it in a hubcap for all I care, it's all the same to me, capisci?
Don't get me wrong, Bennett had the pipes and can still sing (what is he, 102 yrs old now?) and he still can't find his heart! I'm thinking maybe he should look in San Francisco. 50 bucks says the name of that old song was not "I left my heart in East Lansing" you get my meaning?
My friend Takashi (he ain't no fugazi) Woods and me, with our wives, went to a concert a couple years back and heard Tony Bennet in person.What a treat it was! I mean Mr. Woods will go anywhere if you tell him it's gonna be at the casino. Anyways, we had a great time and Takashi didn't lose very much at all.

Old Blue Eyes could sing pretty well himself. Sometimes,when I'm awfully low, I just feel the glow- eh, whoops. Uncle Donnie got carried away there.Anyways, sometimes, I plug in the iPod and let the old Sicilian genius do his thing. I still get tingles when I hear "In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning",or, "Luck be a Lady Tonight" (which, might be Mr. Woods' favorite come to think of it), "Come Fly With Me", "I've Got the World on a String", "My Way" and all the rest. There will never be another Sinatra!
Uncle Donnie's favorite singers consist of:
Johnny Mathis, Barbra Streisand, Frank Sinatra, Nat 'King' Cole, Marvin Gaye,Al Green, Jeffrey Osbourne, Ozzy Osbourne...Dean Martin, M.C.Hammer, PeeWee Herman....
My all-time fav, has got to be, MC Hammer, tho. You know, you "can't touch this..STOP! Hammertime...."
Or if you're feeling religious, "That's why we pray, pray! We got to pray, just to
make it today- that's why we pray......"
Ciao,
Uncle D.

I love Baptists

Uncle Donnie was converted to the Christian Faith (is that the same thing as saying
"I got saved"?) almost forty years ago. I think I was about 17 yrs. old and ready for a change. Up until then, I had followed in the shadow of my father's Atheism and was quite comfortable in that condition... Until, that is, I met my future Trophy Wife, Betty. She had a great little wiggle, and I was all eyes, you get my meaning? Anyways, she went to church and I didn't. At all.

Betty had a conversion experience, I think in '67 (that would be 1967- not 1867, smart ass!... Please excuse my "French").
She had attended a Billy Graham Crusade, and made a committment to follow Jesus, which she has done for these past forty years. Uncle Donnie, on the other hand, made a committment to follow that little wiggle, wherever it roamed, and so I did. I followed that wiggle right into her little community(read: Baptist)church. I heard the Gospel preached and explained quite well by a man named David Hay, and within six months I made a decision to trust in Jesus.That's what I did. That's my story and I'm a-stickin' to it.

Those Baptists were great! they showed me love and concern and a huge amount of grace. You see, Uncle Donnie in those days was a little rough around the edges. Actually, if the truth be known, I was rough all over. I was a complete novice,just a beginner; in baseball parlance, a "rookie". In street talk, a "fanuggy", you know what I mean?...but I never did inhale!

I really loved the Baptists. In fact, I think everybody should own one.
....What?
Oh, Baptists... I was talking about Bassets. You know, the cute little floppy eared-
What??
No! I'm not saying that Baptists have floppy ears! Come on, fuggetaboutit! That's
how rumors get started. I can't believe you take this stuff so seriously.
"Tom, he's taken this business very serious." (reference:Sonny Corleone, The Godfather).
If the Baptists love Jesus, and they do, then I love the Baptists and so does Jesus,so go and show some love to our dear Jesus-loving brethren!
Start by reading Spurgeon's sermons on the Song Of Solomon from his "Treasury of the
Old Testament". I think there's thirteen or so of them and Uncle Donnie has read them all.
"I am my beloved's and He is mine."

D.

P.S. Uncle Donnie doesn't necessarily sanction "wiggle" evangelism... But, God does work in mysterious ways...Ya know what I mean?