Uncle Donnie's Views from Under the Bus

Hi. I'm Uncle Donnie. My family throws me under the bus regularly. I've decided to prove them all right.

These are my views, opinions and dogma. They don't represent the views of anyone but me. Whaddya gonna do? Leave the gun, take the cannoli. Lean back, drink some chianti, and enjoy my views from under the bus.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Next year in Sicily

Uncle Donnie likes to eat.
This should be of no surprise to you who know me.
I married into a family of great cooks, and gaging by the size of my waist, their
efforts have not been wasted. It reminds me of this truism: if the mind is a terrible thing to waste, then the waist is a terrible thing to mind, you know
what I mean?
Really, I probably need to lose at least three dress sizes-Oops, that was Uncle Debbie talking right there- and get this:so far on my current thirty day diet, I've lost sixteen days!
Hello, Uncle Donnie is asovrappeso, a little overweight, whattaya gonna
do? Uncle Donnie never met a six course meal he didn't like. What can I say? I like my bread soaked in bread, capisci? Here's a surprise for you, we in this house love Italian food. We love to prepare it, and love to eat it, reheat it and eat it again, you get my meaning?
You want I should cook for you, maybe a little Sicilian Roast Beef with a parmesan
risotto? Or howsabout a beautiful bolognese with mild italian sausage covering a crispy polenta?Maybe a little crostini or bruschetta, and about three bottles of Ruffino.....Yeah, that ought to do it.
And just to top it off, maybe some spumoni. Or a nice cannoli... or a large lingucia pizza- joosta whatta the Doctor ordered, paisan!
Mozzarella, tomatoes, and basil baby, tricolore, joosta like the italian flag. White,red and green.... Makes-a me wanta sing O Sole Mio, Volare and Grazzi,Scusi, Prego Be Polite. Where did I put those Louis Prima records?
Next year in Sicily,
Uncle D.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Man, I Feel Like a Woman!

Uncle Donnie loves women. I mean, think about it for a minute, my mother is a woman, and I've got my trophy wife Betty, she's a woman (What a Woman!!!) my three daughters, all women, my sister, sisters-in-law, neices. Women, women, women!! Out of the woodwork, I got women. I have a good friend,S.Stangley,and him and his wife (you guessed it- a woman)have four daughters! That's right, every one a woman. I got another friend, Zak Lortz and he's got one wife and three little women in training, all beautiful future women.It's a beautful thing, you know what I mean?
But it's got some serious side effects if you're a member of the male specimen.
I mean, how much estrogen can a guy take? It's like Uncle Donnie's feminization process is about to esplode!!(that's Spanish for explode).
My estrogen meter is red-lining and I'm probably gonna have a headache later... Has anyone seen my midol pills? And if you call me a wussy, I'm gonna have to agree with you on that score....Mamma Mia!

Who was the lady country singer who did that song,"I Feel Like a Woman" ?? I think her name was Shiner Twang, or somethin'... Anyhow, Uncle Donnie digresses.
Hey, lately I'm thinkin' that's my song. I feel like a woman! Thats me, I'm Uncle Debbie. Whaddya gonna do?

Oh yeah, not to mention I love vodka, the quintessential chick drink! But only when I'm not retaining water, and certainly not when my breasts are sore.....
Come on, snap out of it D.! Oh, marone.

Here's my big idea: the power of estrogen needs to be channeled! I mean, if some scientist or gynecologist, or maybe eve a fertility expert could develop an atomic estrogen bomb, we could easily wipe out N. Korea, Iran, Al Qaeda... and What's the other bum's name? Osaka Bum Louden? Well, him too, and all them losers in Half-A-Gascan- and live relatively peaceful lives! Capisci?

James Brown was wrong, it's not a man's world...its a woman's world, but he was right about his song Sex Machine...Fahgeddaboudit.

That being said, Uncle Donnie still loves women,and believes that God saved the best
for last when He made Eve!
Ciao!
Uncle Debbie.. Uh, I mean Donnie...

Monday, July 19, 2010

Excuse Me, Excuse My Family

Uncle Donnie loves to laugh,and loves to be with people who love to laugh. Laughter is the opiate to the soul, a sweet cordial ,one of life's distinct pleasures. Jesus wants us to laugh, so go and have a huge, sidesplitting laugh. Have one on me.

This a true story about my grandpa, Pappy, entitled, "Scusa Mi, Scusi Mi Famiglia":
Pappy worked for my dad as a drywall taper and he always took "the old lady"(my grandma) and his youngest son(my uncle Rex) with him. So Pappy and his little crew of helpers were on the job one day; Grandma was picking up drywall scraps and loading
them onto the truck and Rex was wiping down the tape when suddenly, from the back of the house Pappy bellowed, "Pack 'em up Rex, I sh-- my pants!" So, immediately, Rex packed 'em up and off they went. This is a true story. It makes Uncle Donnie laugh to this day. Good ole' Pappy was a card-carrying member of the Communist party,idolized FDR, and is probably
rolling over in his grave knowing that his grandson Donnie is a registered
Republican. My Dad, Fritz, was chased numerous times in his youth by other "yutes" (reference: My Cousin Vinny), that they might punish him for being the son of, "that commie S.o.B.!!"
Whaddya gonna do? Mi Famiglia.

The first time Pappy met my mother-in-law-to-be, the dearest, sweetest mother-in-law-
to-be of all time,he spewed out this profanity-laced political invective about... Well, to be honest, I don't even remember who or what it was about. All I remember is I just about died right there, on the spot. I wondered,and worried, that she might question the pedigree of her daughter's main squeeze (suitor), but she was the most gracious person I have ever met. She took it
all in stride, and with a smile on her face, actually seemed humored in the presence of this Socialist-Democrat lunatic. Pappy was great, though, few men could have carried his lunchpail to work, you know what I mean?

Someday Uncle Donnie would like to see these slogans printed on some t-shirts:

Support Mental Health Or I'LL Kill You

Everything You Know Is Wrong

There Goes The Sheriff and His Possum

Hey, Just Drive Down My Street and UP YOURS!

Smile If You Like Bacon

Uncle Donnie... A Legend In His Own Mind

Saluto,
Uncle Donnie

Saturday, July 17, 2010

If I Wanted Your Opininon, I'd Give it to You

Buongiorno mi amici!

Maybe I should have called this blog, "Uncle Donnie's Bi-Weekly", or, "Uncle Donnie's Once-in-Awhile",or even, "Uncle Donnie's Whenever-I-Get-to-It". You know, somethin' like that.
I was reminded this past week by my dear old friend Mason Bledsoe (I think his web address is BackinthedayIsmokedalotofdope.blogspot.com) that I forgot a few nicknames. He must have had a flashback or something, here goes...
Apparently, I used to call someone Keiko, you know, the Killer Whale? Maybe if that person would have mixed in a few salad bars every now and then,I would have called him Slim or Tiny... Or Stretch, you know what I mean?
Then there was the Klunatic, a gent whose last name was Klune, who was a real pain in the-well,you know.
I call everybody on the jobsite Fuzznuts. "Hey fuzznuts, got that closet done yet?",or, "Hey fuzznuts, I'd like to get this job done before I get my Social Security!" You know, these are real terms of endearment, they're very touching.
I've got another uncle named Butch, another sister-in-law named Missy Mouse, and another good friend I call Zack Lortz... I hope I didn't leave anyone out this time!
Anyways, thanks Mason for the reminder, which reminds me, have you seen our old friend Kurt Fekker lately? Next time you see him, give my regards to him and his wife and all those little Fekkers. Really a nice family,those Fekkers. God Bless 'em.

Sometimes, Uncle Donnie feels like Barney Coopersmith. (reference: My Blue Heaven)Nothing ever went well for Barney. Everytime he tries to get out of his car the seatbelt trips him up, his job as an FBI agent is less-than-stellar, his wife ran off with a younger sports Jock, and he's too short to be loved by the ladies. Really Barnie is often very inept, a real loser....WAIT A MINUTE, Uncle
Donnie is not this man. Uncle Donnie is more like Vincent Antonelli, (reference: Steve Martin's character in My Blue Heaven)
What am I thinkin'? "I need some arugula...its a vegetable", I need to meringue with
my trophy wife Betty, maybe visit my tailor for a new silk suit, smell the roses, have a glass of vino, tip a flight attendant $100 for one alcoholic beverage, you know what i mean? This is makin' me hungry for life already.
Uncle Donnie's gotta split, but befoe I do I thought I'd give you my five favorite
La Cosa Nostra movies:
The Godfather Trilogy
A Bronx Tale
Goodfellas
Casino
My Blue Heaven
Mobsters

Remember this: if Uncle Donnie wanted your opinion, he'd give it to ya.
Fondly,
D.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

What's In a Name?

Uncle Donnie grew up in a family that loved to nickname or re-name certain individuals.
My dad was re-named Fritz,and sometimes referred to as Teddy. What kind of name is Fritz, anyways? Seems like an odd name to me. My daughter, nicknamed Heimy, had a guinea pig once named Squiggey Fritz... Maybe it was a gerbil?... I don't know.
I have a brother whose nickname was Fang, another of my brothers was called Pood. My baseball coach called me Rabbit.

I had an uncle named Freck, another named Short and a cousin we called Timmy Highstuff. My grandfather everyone knew as Pappy. Pappy's wife, my grandmother, was referred to as The Old Lady, mostly by Pappy himself.

Uncle Donnie learned at the feet of the best nicknamers ever! I guess that's why I love to give people new names....I am a nicknamer at heart.

So, I have three daughters: Hal or Ernie (reference: What's Eating Gilbert Grape?), Katrina Katrina Kabutski, and Bug (formerly introduced as Heimy). I have a sister-in-law named L.Pooh and her two daughters, my two neices, are Schmooglie Pearson
and Fern, or sometimes, Fernie. I have a relative I call The Relative, a son-in-law named Braindead (formerly introduced as Bryon Shitzel)and a young friend I call the Chameleon because he changes a lot.

Bug/Heimy, my youngest, has two friends who now have nicknames: Smiley Johnson and Funky-Eye Spears, and there are many others who can't be mentioned due to propriety and better judgement. However, in closing I might mention my golf/cribbage/canasta partner Takashi (He ain't no Fugazi) Woods who is sometimes affectionately referred to as Tyrannosaurus Sex.
Whaddya gonna do?
I just calls 'em as I sees 'em.
Ciao,
D

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Do you think Lebron James likes meatloaf?

Uncle Donnie is sick about hearing about LeBron James. Enough already. Is he going to
New York? Miami? Chicago, Montego, baby why don't we go- Oops. I guess that reminded me of an old Beach Boys tune. Anyways, I bet Wilt is turning over in his grave. Wilt
the Stilt and Dr J. were my most favorites of all time. Hey, I know, give me L.J.s money, give him a feather and then we'll both be tickled, you know what I mean? Stay in Cleveland L.J.

Did you ever notice the similiarities between God's Church and a really good meatloaf?

I didn't think so, but today is your lucky day because Uncle Donnie is gonna show you the similarity.
It goes like this: God fashions His Church from two distinct groups, Jews and Gentiles. A good meatloaf is comprised of two distinct meats, ground beef and ground
pork. That's right, the Gentile is the pork and the beef is the Jew. The only person who can keep these two groups together is The Holy Spirit; He's the one making this
meatloaf and keeping it together. This is why when we make that really good
meatloaf, we crack one big egg over the beef and pork to help bind them,so that the two become one. To help with this binding, this knitting together in love, God gives His church His word, and His word fashions and tightens together all who are in His
church. Likewise, our meatloaf is fashioned and tightened together with a few bread-crumbs, giving it consistency and texture. Oh yeah, don't forget that the breadcrumbs
are like Jesus,our "bread of life", and the living Word upon whom we truly feed.
So then, God says to The Spirit,
"Give My Church these nine gifts, or fruits, so that my church can flourish and be desirable: love,joy, peace,patience,kindness,goodness,faithfulness,gentleness and self-control."
So we then add to our really great meatloaf these nine ingredients for flavor: diced onion,minced mushrooms,chopped garlic, a little chili sauce,a splash of worcestershire, a good pinch of salt, a good pinch of pepper and a little drizzle of ketchup on top at the very last. We combine all these ingredients and form them into one loaf like God takes all the necessary ingredients to form his church.
So then what?
Well, our meatloaf needs to be baked in the oven for a while at just the right temperature in order to finish this savory dish. In the same way, God puts his church through the furnaces of trial and affliction at the right temperature, and for the right amount of time, to accomplish His goal: that His church give herself to service and worship and to draw many to her Heavenly Chef.
Our truly great meatloaf is consumed for our physical needs.
God's truly great meatloaf is consumed for His Glory and for His purposes.
I bet you guys knew this all along and now you can attend the meatloaf of your choice.
One last thing, if we are to pray without ceasing, do you think that we might cease
without praying?

Stay in Cleveland L.J.
Ciao,
Donnie

Saturday, July 3, 2010

God Bless Golf and Vodka

Uncle Donnie just finished a round of golf with his golfing buddy,Takashi "Woods" (he ain't no Fugazi), and is feeling pretty good about his five over par performance. This is a game best described by this saying,"I hate this game.I hate this game. Hey, nice shot!....I love this game. I love this game." I even hit safely out of bunkers twice. Life is a beautiful thing, you know what I mean?

So I'm kicking back, finishing my first adult beverage and I got Godfather, part II in the background, you know for a little inspiration. Now I am ready for the rest of this Fourth of July weekend.

So I got a question for you. What does orange juice, pineapple juice, mango peach juice, lemonade and 7-Up all have in common? That's right! Grey Goose Vodka, the only thing the French ever did right.Viva la France! My son-in-law, Bryon "Shitzel" brought me a fifth yesterday. Hats off to B.S.! It's like he made me an offer I couldn't refuse.

Uncle Donnie is very patriotic. You know, tears come to my eyes when I hear The Star Spangled Banner or God Bless America...I get all choked up during the seventh inning stretch when they sing Take Me Out To The Ballgame... and I get very emotional when I hear Hot Fun In The Summertime by Sly Stone. He was a truely great American.
Now, Uncle Donnie has just a few concerns with our current national leaders, you know them. Mr. Obama, our Commander-in-Thief, and Joe Biden the Vice-AntiChrist... Then of course there's Mrs. Clinton, the Secretary of Take. And not to mention, the Secretary of the Treachory, Geitner, just to name a few....I don't even know who the Secretary of The Inferior is, probably a Democrat!
I better leave it at that.
God Bless this Mess.
Ciao,
Donnie