Resolutions For 2011

Hey, how you doin'?
Its late December and Uncle Donnie's thinking maybe a few resolutions for the new
year are appropriate. Not that I need to change anything, you unnastand? 'Cause things being what they are, it would be difficult to improve upon perfection, capisci mi?
I think they call it growth. Yeah, that's it, growth. Uncle D. just needs a coupla
growth resolutions to give him more direction next year.

First thing.....resolve to take more trips to the liquor store.
Second thing....resolve to make my friends laugh more.
Third thing.....resolve to take my laughing friends with me on my trips to the
liquor store.
Fourth thing....resolve to remember that the best things in life aren't things.
Fifth thing.....resolve to buy a liquor store.
Sixth thing.....resolve to win the lottery, so's I can buy the liquor store.
That's probably enough for next year.

To all my people in Florida and in Montana and in Tennessee, whether you are still
in prison or not....
Uncle Donnie sends his love....Yeah, with my Trophy Wife Betty,
and my editor Buggles (Read: Editor X. Lovegood)....Have a happy and safe New Year!

A dopo,
Uncle D

Christmas Day

Grace to you and peace,from Him who is and who was and who is to come; and from
the seven Spirits who are before His throne; and from Jesus Christ, the faithful
witness, the first born of the dead, and the ruler of the kings of the earth. To Him
who loves us, and released us from our sins by His blood, and He has made us to be a
kingdom, priests to His God and Father; to Him be the glory and the dominion forever
and ever. Amen
Holy, Holy, Holy, is the Lord God,the Almighty, who was and who is and who is to come. Worthy art Thou, our Lord and our God, to receive glory and honor and power;
for Thou didst create all things, and because of Thy will they existed, and were
created.
Worthy art Thou to take the book, and to break its seals;for Thou wast slain, and didst purchase for God with Thy blood men from every tribe and tongue and people
and nation. And Thou hast made them to be a kingdom and priests to our God; and
they will reign upon the earth.
Worthy is the Lamb that was slain to receive power and riches and wisdom and might
and honor and glory and blessing. To Him who sits upon the throne, and to the Lamb,
be blessing and honor and glory and dominion forever and ever.
Hallelujah! Salvation and glory and power belong to our God; because His judgements
are true and righteous. Give praise to our God, all you His bondservants, you who
fear Him, small and great.
He who testifies to these things says, Yes, I am coming quickly. Amen. Come, Lord
Jesus come.
The grace of the Lord Jesus be with all. Amen.

Merry Christmas Indeed,
Uncle Donnie

Where does this stuff come from

So Uncle D. thinks he needs to branch out a little more, you know, become more
diverse. This economy being what it is, and revenue sources drying up, who knows?
Maybe it's time to start thinking about alternative schemes, I mean scams, I mean
new opportunities, you unnastand my meaning? Good! I thought you'd see it my way.
Sinatra was right, "I did it my way..."
Anyways, I'm thinkin' marketing is the answer.
Whattya marketing,Don? You might ask. Me! D. Uncle Donnie's name on tons of swag
(read: products),name familiarity, that's what I want, you know what I mean? A guy
goes into the drug store, say he might be havin' a little digestive problem, which
leads to another problem, and so he goes to get some UNCLE DONNIE'S HEMORRHOIDAL CREAM. Or maybe he needs some UNCLE DONNIE'S LAXATIVES or UNCLE DONNIE'S SUPPOSITORIES. Which might say on the package, "Hey, don't be a pain in the ass, take this stuff,it works..."
You know, just brainstormin' here, just tinkin' out loud. Howsabout this...
UNCLE DONNIE'S MAFIAPOLY, the new board game right?? Having fun with extortion,
women, and gamblin'...and if you'se pass GAS you collect 2 C-notes! If you accumulate
properties(in somebody else's name of course) you first put up a social club, instead
of a house, and then after that you put up casinos, and then your on your way, capisci?....The board would have to be five-sided though, to show some respect to
the five families, and you'd have to kick up some cash to the heads of the five,
just so you'se can keep playin....you'se unnastand?
I only have time for one more genius idea. Here goes, and its a beaut.....AN UNCLE
DONNIE CHIA PET! That's right, I mean you know you've arrived when they start makin' you into one of those, right? It's like...what's behind curtain number three Don Pardo??.... A brand new UNCLE DONNIE CHIA PET...just add Prosecco and a little anissette, and watch UNCLE DONNIE grow!
It's a beautful thing, right?
Sometimes, I surprise myself!

D.

Uncle D. recommends these next five movies:

Blood Feud....Hoffa and Kennedy
Perdition....Tom Hanks
Hoffa.....Jack Nicholson
The Sicilian...based on a Mario Puzo novel
Gotti...Armand Assante and Anthony Quinn

The Good Old Days

So Uncle D. is drving down the interstate and as I'm pulling onto the exit towards
home, I see this bumper sticker: "MY FACE LOOKS THE SAME, BUT I CAN'T REMEMBER
THE NAME." I laughed and thought, sheesh sounds like me... It's like the only thing
I can't remember is how forgetful I am....
And like, you know how "they" (whomever "they" are) say that the "forties" are the new "thirties"? Fuhgettaboudit! It seems to Uncle D. that the "fifties" are the OLD "fifties." You get my meaning? I think they call it selective memory, or defective memory,or part-time memory loss, or full time memory loss, whatever! I forget, anyways..... What was I saying? Oh yeah, Its like the old guy said, "Son, I've forgotten more about memory loss than you"ll ever know." And the kid's thinking, "I don't want to hear anymore geriatric jibberish about 'Back in the day', or 'when I was your age', or 'It used to be', or 'I can remember a day'! Just give me my inheritance and off I'll waddle!"
The old man will just smile and say..."do I know you?"

Ciao, Uncle D.
P.s. Maybe I should get some of that milk of amnesia. It could be that it might help.
You unnastand, I might have to mix it with a little Jack Daniels, just to be safe.

Who Is John Tesh?????

So who is this John Tesh guy anyways?
I figger, he must be some genius or somethin', right? I mean is there anything this guy doesn't know? Every time Uncle Donnie hears this guy on the radio, he's a veritable treasure trunk(read:trove) of information. Everything from how to get pin numbers off users at the ATM machines, to how good it is to eat a bunch of eggs for your health, you know what I mean? He coulda been very useful at my last RICO trial capisci mi?
And if that weren't enough, the guy's got great hair! How do ya get hair like that? To Uncle D. these things are a mystery....It might be a mystery to you how I know what John Tesh's hair looks like, but we ain't gonna go into that right now.

Speaking of mysteries, D. has been reading another book recently, entitled "The
Mystery of Providence," written by a dead guy named John Flavel(remember, dead guys
don't lie.)
He takes the reader from Psalm 139 all the way to the final reward,you know
what that means? It means dirt nap time, pushin' daisy time, six feet under time, etc.
It's like appointed once for man to die and then comes..........you guessed it,
judgement time! It's been a good read, you'se should pick it up. I'm pretty sure
Jesus would have you read it, no kidding! I know these tings!
Oh yeah, so today at church I heard a goood sermon from a guy who I thought sounded
a lot like Joe Pesci! Can you believe it? fuggetaboudit. Turns out the guy wasn't
even Italian.... but his words were very appropriate and God honoring.
Did anybody have prosciutto on Thanksgiving Day? Uncle D. did thanks to Don Sparky's
lovely wife...It wassa so good.
Arrivederci!
D.